Half Marathon Training Week #1

Well...

Pros:   *Hit all key workouts (minus 11 miler).  *Bought new running shoes. (Brooks Ghost 6. Hands down most expensive - $110 - but also best shoes I've had in a LONG time. Goodbye Asics...Point of interest: I wear a 7.5 in Asics and an 8 in Brooks.)

Cons:  *Missed 50% of my "extra" stuff (like yoga. Surprise!).  *Missed my 11 miler (I was ok with this. Had a time crunch and it was super hot/humid out. I still worked out that did and did a quick trial run with my new shoes.)

...

Total Mileage: 31.4   (1 junk, unaccounted for, mile)


Mon:  * Bike: 60 min
             
           *Stretching portion of Yoga X / Tree / Royal Dancer / Leg Extensions
                       4 x (20) Froggers, (20) Standing Inner Thigh Lifts,  (30) Side Lying Clams


Tues:  * 6 Mile Progression Run
                       9:00 / 8:45 / 8:40 / 8:20 / 7:43 / 7:32


Wed:  * 5.66 Mile Easy Run
                       (46:07)


Thur:  * 8.2 Mile Run
                        (1:10:51)

                        Was supposed to be "hills", but couldn't get to the park. Paced Scott the last mile for the 5k he was running. It was a 7:40. Not bad after 7.2 miles. :)

            * HIIT ("Tuesday") Circuit
            * Core Circuit


Fri:   * Bike: 35 min


Sat:  * w-up: 1 mile / c-down: 1 mile
            6 x 400  
                    1:51 / 1:46 / 1:40 / 1:42 / 1:40 /1:34
            3 x 800
                     3:21 / 3:24 / 3:14

          * 2 Mile Easy Run
                     (17:30)
                      6 Rounds: KB Swings (25) / Goblet Squats (15) / Tri Extension (17) / Pushup (10)


Sun:  * Eliptical: 60 min

          * 2.15 Mile (shoe trial) Run
                      (16:07)

...

Didn't start getting sore until Sunday. KB swings definitely are the BEST hamstring exercise. Was consistant with BCAAs & fueling after (tho did most runs on no fuel) workouts. Next week, need to do yoga at least once and at least 2 FULL strength circuits. Also need to get in my 11 miler. Yay. :P
                        

Athletes should play with their food.

Decided to do some experimenting today with both when and what I fuel my body with. The last couple days were a little off-track. Chipotle...Pizza...Doghouse...Pinot Grigio...graham crackers...yeaaah. Fun, but definitely off-track. I don't eat "perfectly clean", but my body is accustomed to healthy food and when I go a little overboard, I can tell immediately. It's a blessing and a curse.

Anyways, today was the day to pull myself together, and I decided why not mix things up a little. Really pay attention to what I'm fueling with. Also, be aware of when I'm eating. Sometimes, I'm ravenous but make myself wait an extra hour or so just because I feel like whatever time it is isn't the "right time" to be eating lunch etc. But also, sometimes, I find myself snacking when I know for damn sure that I'm really just bored/stressed/lazy/ or super dehydrated. I also haven't been using all the supplements I have to my advantage recently. I'm blessed my husband works at The Vitamin Shoppe. I've got a lot of cool, free shit. Gotta use it!

This is a detailed log of my workouts, eating, and vitamins/supplements - also, what time I ate them. I'm curious, but also I'd like to be able to look back at this for reference purposes during later weeks of my Half Marathon training.

...

(Edited: this was written 08.16.13)

5:10 -  Water


5:24-6:35 -  8.2 mile run (1:10:51)

                      BCAAs post run in 20 oz water


7:45 -  1 Tbsp apple cider vinegar in 6 oz water / low-carb, sugar free Rockstar


8:00 -  2 Over easy eggs, 1/2 chopped small avocado, 1/2 med. apple, salsa
             Multivitamin


10:30 -  1.5 cups salad mix, 4 oz chopped chicken, 2 T sunflower seeds, 1 T Balsamic Vin.
               1 Caffeine free energy pill


1:10 -  4 oz chopped chicken
            1 c kale, 3 mushrooms, 1/2 chopped apple, 1 slice turkey bacon sauteed in 1/2  
             Tbsp. coconut oil, 1 Caffeine free energy pill


1:30 -  1/2 preworkout packet mixed with 12 oz water


1:50-2:55 -  HIIT Circuit / Core Circuit
                     BCAAs post workout in 20 oz water


4:00 -  Shared a smoothie with Micah.
            6 oz unsweetened almond milk, 1 c spinach, 1 Tbsp mint choc. protein powder, 1 
            scoop vanilla protein powder, 5 frozen strawberries, 1/2 frozen banana


6:30 -  1 Tbsp apple cider vinegar in 6 oz water


7:00 -  2/3 c. Quinoa (cooked in chicken broth)
            3 oz. Tofu sauteed in 1 tsp sesame oil
            Sauteed green pepper/onion/broccoli in spray
            sauce (split bt/twn 2) - 1 tbsp soy vey, 1 tbsp lite soy sauce, chicken broth, 1 tbsp 
            cornstarch    

Mind over Matter

It's scientifically proven that the gluteus maximus is the largest muscle in the body.

I believe it. My butt is decent sized.

However, I believe that a person's mind/self-discipline/will-power whatever the hell you want to call it is also a muscle, and probably the most important to running. Use it, it gets stronger. More powerful. Let it atrophy? You're litterally not going to get anywhere.

This is day #2 of round #2 training for half marathon #2 this year. (That's a lot of damn "2"s...) I want to beat my 1:46:07 current PR so I'm actually taking my training plan seriously this time around. This is a huge deal since I don't like being told what to do. Not in person. Not on the phone. Not via exercise video. (Sometimes, I suck it up to get my not so namaste p90x yoga on.) Especially not via impersonal written out training plan on the computer created by someone I've never met, though, assume they are smarter than me. It's a good plan. I have every intention of mostly following it. The major problem I have with it is the abundance of "easy runs". (This is how the "not following the plan" Pandora's Box gets opened...) Three, FOUR if you count the LSD every Sunday, of FIVE running days are designated "easy". What the fuck. I want to run fast yo. Not junk mileage. That many easy runs sound like junk. So, I got on doing things my way "tweaking" things ASAP. I took the Tuesday easy run and turned it into a speedwork wild card day. One of the things I'm good at is maintaining a consistant difficult pace. Exhibit A: the half in May where I basically clung to an 8:00 min/mi the entire race. I'm thankful this somes naturally to me. It's a great skill and comes in handy. However, one of the blogs I read has been talking about practicing progression running. It's the concept of starting out easy and running each mile faster so you don't gas out. It's crazy to my I only want to run fast brain, but your overall time actually ends up faster. And because you have more in the tank later in the run, you can push even harder than if you were just maintaining a semi-challenging pace. I'm basically the only person in the world who doesn't own a Garmin, so I rarely watch my mile splits. I thought that it'd be a good idea to start incorporating progression runs into my training in order to become more intune with my pacing. And why not sooner than later? :) I really didn't know what pace to start at, but since I tend to need more warm up time before running fast in the early morning, I decided to just let my body settle into the first mile and go from there. Eh, logical?


I don't know what was wrong with me this morning. Ok. Maybe I do. It might have been heading to bed after 11:00. It might have been the fight. It might have been the 1/2 bottle of Pinot Noir I drank. Red wine make me sleepy when I drink it at night, and blurry when I wake up in the morning. Doesn't matter if it's one glass or a box. Eww. Boxed red wine. #baddrinkingideas

I digress.

Even though the morning was beautiful, weather chill, and it was still dark, I didn't feel like myself. I warmed up and went through the motions of running the first mile. It was a 9:00 flat. Ick. I knew I was supposed to start slow, but it really annoyed me. I don't run 9:00 miles. Not even when I'm running 15. Ahh, Pride, why you gotta try an derail me? The second mile was 8:45. 15 seconds faster than the first. I should have high-five myself. After all, it's not like I had any clue what I was doing. By the 3rd, I wanted to quit. It was another 5 seconds faster. I wasn't really working hard. I might have been a tad bored. I definitely didn't feel like working harder. which is the kinda the whole point of a progression run. The thought crossed my mind that I could just settle in and do the last 3 "easy" like the plan called for. I think this is hilarious because I was already pissed at how "slow" I was running. Why on earth would I want to "settle in" and let myself possibly run "slower"? Because my brain can be stupid and lazy. Today, mostly lazy. I didn't want to think. I didn't want to have to do math on my fingers mental math. (Yes, I did use my fingers. No, I don't care. You do what works. Fingers work.) I didn't want to have to exert myself. Because, you know what? Deep down, I knew I was not running to my potential. I am getting fast, and the problem with running fast is you know you're capable of it. And you kinda maybe dread the "work" even though you know you can do it. 

I did it. All 6 miles. And I did them properly - progressively faster. I'm honestly really proud of myself. I'm proud of my self-discipline. I'm proud that I can allow myself to think things like, "I want to quit", and then turn around and work harder. On occaision, I have quit/cut a run short, but this is usually because my thighs are rubbing of humidity. NOT because I wimp out. My brother's girlfriend says we're badass bitches. Represent.

6 miles: (50:00)

9:00
8:45
8:40
8:20
7:43
7:32

Want to know the secret to the 2 sub-8 min/miles? Listening to BrokeNCYDE's "Booty Call" and A$AP's (ft. Drake, 2Chainz, Kendrick Lamar) "Fuckin Problem" on repeat ad nauseum. That's right. Those gems got me through. My new birthday shirt says: "Gangsta Rap Made Me Do It." That shit's for real. I don't fuck around. :-P

Doesn't play well with others...

I've always thought of myself as outgoing.
Extroverted.
Talkative.
Confrontational.

And then I hear myself make statements like: "And THAT (insert item of irritation) is why I DON'T like people."

Whoa. Huh?
Which makes me think...

I have always hated group projects. With a passion. I don't like working out in groups. I've never run with the same person more than 10 times (minus my x-country team) - basically, "no, I do not want you to be my running buddy." I like cooking alone. I'm not Santa. I don't need a helper. I prefer tag-teaming chores than sharing the same project. And when I want something to change, I typically do it on my own.

Basically, I'm that bitch who thinks her way is best and is cynical enough to not trust people's ability to follow through on their intentions.

Ha. Yeaahh, I am definitely a people person.

I'm painting myself worse than I am. I am friendly and sensitive. I do enjoy social situations, and even though I'm sarcastic I like to think I have a decent sense of humor. What it really comes down to is I don't like my successes and failures to be the result of someone else's lack of sincerity. If I'm going to suck at life, I want it to be because I make bad decisions. If I fail to meet a goal, I want it to be because I lacked the discipline etc. I don't like giving other people the power to drag me down.

This thinking doesn't mesh well with marriage. When you're married, life in general is a "group project". I need to work on this. On the "us". It's so much easier just to work on "Sarah". To make my agenda the most important thing. I have so much to learn about this being someone's wife thing. I guess that's a first step...realizing I suck.

Today, I am tired.
Just. Plain. Exhausted.
Life is hectic at the moment. Things aren't working out. I feel discouraged and this overwhelming cloud of discontent is constantly hanging over me. I know it will pass. Things will work out. Somehow, they always do. But right now, in this moment, I am just so tired.

Today, I have no words to express aloud what I feel on the inside.
Today, yelling seems to be the most effective form of communicating with my son.
Today, I miss running as a coping mech. I miss feeling all the negative fall from me like sweat. The hypnotizing sound my footfall.

Today, I will go through the motions.
Today, I will do the right thing. I will be loving even when I feel empty. I will be patient even when I lack the energy. I will trust that somehow, things will begin to get better.

All shall be well,

And all shall be well,

And all manner of thing shall be well.

(Julian of Norwich)

Thoughts on (not) running.

But sometimes, it isn't that simple.
Sometimes, the thing that makes you happy needs to be given up temporarily.

Running is my 1st. love.
It completely blows my mind that it has been a constant in my life for 16 years. Early college, it became obvious that I'm not good at long-term relationships. 5 months...8 months... one year...5 years with Scott is a crazy long time in the same relationship for me. Running and I have never broken up. We've been separated due to sprains, stress fractures, and pregnancy, but I've never lost interest or quit on purpose.

I love it.
It is that simple.

Running has given me an insane "one-ness" with my body. I can't describe it properly. I just know my body, very, very well. Every footfall. Every breath. Whether my shoulders are tense. A sharp pain in my hamstring. Tightness in calves or ass...collateral damage of strenth training. I can feel my core tighten with each step, centering me. I also can feel when I'm "off". When my stride feels unnatural. When humidity makes breathing labored. When a hangover makes my head dizzy and legs shaky. A runner doesn't have to listen to their body, but multiple self-induced stress fractures have taught me doing this is pretty fucking stupid. You listen to your body. Your body responds well. You make progress. End of discussion.

A couple days after the 4th of July race, I was jamming my right foot in my Nike Frees to get on the eliptical...without loosening the laces. I don't know what I did, but my ankle is not ok, and feels like it's getting worse. (Hello, double days and double digit runs...)

My name is Sarah, and if it will hurt me, I will probably do it.

There's a 5k 2 days after my birthday that I want to do because New Year's Eve I decided the year needs to include a 5k. Duh. And then there's the Two Cities Half Marathon in November that I NEED TO DO. That's right. NEED. Just like I NEED to be healthy and running strong so that I can PR. That's right, I've already decided I'm going to PR. What can I say? I actually believe in myself again. In order to make all this happen though, I'm taking this week off. It's been ONE day and already I'm having a hard time. Running is so much of who I am...my worth...my sanity...my coping mech of choice...

I run for so many reasons.

I run because I'm good at it.

I run because I love rain and getting completely soaked.

I run because I don't want fat thighs.

I run because it's challenging.

I run because it impresses people.

I run because 20 x 400 meters on a track makes me feel like a fucking badass.

I run so my ass looks good in jeans.

I run to process my thoughts.

I run to be alone.

I run as an excuse to listen to my favorite music.

I run to be faster than the men I race against.

I run to win.

I run to unwind.

I run because it helps me sleep.

I run to eat.

I run sometimes because of what I ate.

I run when I'm upset because it's impossible to run and cry for very long.

I run because it requires discipline.

I run to passively compete with my sister. (Just being honest, Ingrid...)

I run at 5 am.

I run at 8 pm.

I run when it's 105 deg out.

I run when I feel amazing.

I run hungover and feel like shit.

I run long so I have an excuse to consume Chocolate Outrage Gu.

I run tempo runs...mile repeats...LSDs...lactate runs...800s.

I run twice in one day, multiple times a week.

I run because it makes me want to make other healthy choices.

I run because it's who I am.

When I think about all the people who want to run and can't... Or the people that have never experienced the beauty of a sunrise during a 14 mile weekend run... Or the people who have never felt the exiliration of running 0.5 mile repeats @ 6:50 min/mile pace... I feel truely blessed.

A week isn't forever.

A lifetime is forever.

Here's to making the right decision when it's tough.

"Smart" isn't fun, but it pays off.

Five Things Friday

I like Fridays that feel like "Friday". Today is one of those days Fridays. It helps that Scott has tomorrow off, which should make tomorrow, in turn, feel like a Saturday. Unfortunately, I have to keep juggling everything Saturday-ish that is planned around in my head to make sure I remember. 12 mile run...Coffee and the Park (capitalized because going to the park is an epic "event". Epic event = carrying your child screaming out of it because they do not want to go home with you. Epic events require caffeine.)...Swim date with Damien across the street...Coffee Unsweetened iced green tea with Josh in the evening...Maybe conning asking Scott to cook dinner, to be eaten after coffee and after the Monster is safely in his crib... Wow. I just totally made that sound like a absolutely crazy day. Insert habit where I make things harder than they need to be. Well, regardless, it should be fun. I like get out of jail free cards getting out of the house.

I also like talking about random things....
So 5 random things:


1.  I'm starting to think taking a complete break from running for a week is the healthiest option for me.

Simply, my right ankle is still not 100%. It was pretty obvious from the higher impact moves I was doing in my circuit. I don't want to go 7 full days without running. I don't think my sanity vanity can go that long. But all I can think is that I have a half marathon in November that I am dedicated to running and running well. Possibly beating my 1:46:06 PR. I don't want to compromise my ability to begin my training plan August 12, just because I don't want to spend the time working out the kinks and being smart. IF I do this next week, It will look like: 3 days biking 20 miles. 3 days 1 hr on the eliptical. 1 day yoga. 1 day kenpo. 2 days strength (no high impact moves. i.e. skaters, burpees, frog leaps.). 1 day complete rest.

Yeah. We'll see. It's smart...but I don't always like smart.

2. I've gotten kind of "girly" in the last week.

By "girly" I mean I bought my first official lipstick since I was 19. (Moment of truth: I've only owned 2 lipsticks and they did not compliment my skin tone. Thanks, Mary Kay.) The best part is that I was kind of suckered into it by a picture of Olivia Wilde in "Backstage" next to a lip product. She just looked so put together. I never feel put together, let alone that pretty. It just hit me. "I will be 27 next month and I do not own lipstick." According to Michael, "27 is the age you can call yourself a woman." Yikes. I had to get on that shit. I spent a good 15 minutes, trying to keep my 3 year old from grabbing things, and trying to decide if I should go pink, what looked right, or pretend to be Olivia Wilde and just get "Backstage". Thankfully, even if I'm not a "Woman" yet, I am smart enough to go with what looks right.

Enter: Revalon Colorstay Ultimate Suede in Couture.

Where has this lipstick been my entire adult life??? I'm still amazed at its longevity and how it doesn't make my lips look cakey or my skin too pink. I actually felt pretty. Holy crap. Touche, Revalon. Touche.

I got to thinking though, what is it exactly that is making me feel like investing in the process of feeling/looking beautiful. I've never been a mani/pedi girl. I always buy body mist, not perfume. And lip gloss, not lip stick....But here I am with lipstick. And I won't lie, I spent a good deal of time while I was in Rite Aid, scouring the different shades of eye shadow, and the different foundation options.

I blame this on Micah. He's been extra crazy and in a new stage of absolute defiance as of late. In 3 days, he has napped once, and woken me up screaming twice during the middle of the night. I feel like a crazy person. The amount that I scream "NO!", spank (only to be giggled at), and bribe is amazing. I. AM. TIRED. And something in me has clicked. "You're tired? You're frustrated. Why don't you find a way to fake it til you make it..."

Run and hide your crazy

And start actin like a lady

Cause I raised you better

Gotta keep it together

Even when you fall apart

It doesn't make it all better. But it is nice to not feel like I'm wearing a shirt that says I CANNOT PARENT worth a damn all the time.

3. I attempted Paleo pancakes.

And they flopped. Note to self: eggs in pancakes are non-negotiable. Use them.

The pancakes turned into "pancake scramble", but it tasted awesome, and I needed a break from protein powder and oatmeal.

1 scoop vanilla protein powder

1 Tbsp Ground Flax

2 Tbsp Coconut Flour

1/3 c unsweetened Almond Milk (plus more water)

1 tsp Coconut oil

Vanilla extract

Cinnamon

1/2 stevia packet

1/4 c Blueberries

Top with:

1/4 c nonfat unsweetened Greek yogurt

1/2 stevia packet

Vanilla extract

4.  My big goal for next week is (drumroll): Don't let clean clothes sit on the floor for longer than 12 hours.

That is pathetic to admit, but currently, there are 4 loads of clean laundry that are on various "floor places" in the house that need to be folded. And some of those clothes have been there going on one week...

I do like socks.

Especially when I run.

The fact that NONE of my socks are in my room now should be motivation to stop making pre-run laundry room trips. Just fold the damn clothes, Sarah!

5.  Strength Training/HIIT makes me feel the best about my body.

Last Thursday: Ran 15 miles. Did Kenpo in the afternoon.

Felt ugly and fat.

Today: Ran 5 miles. Did a HIIT circuit 45 min and 30 min on the eliptical in the afternoon.

Felt great in my spandex shorts.

This should be a reminder and motivation to do my squats and burpees.

They make you tight. Tight is good. When you're tight and lean, no one (especially you) gives a fuck what your weight is. I like that I have NOT stepped on a scale this year.

No one has that kind of time to waste feeling bad about a stupid number.

Tonight, I feel good enough.
Not perfect, inside or out, by any means.
But good enough.
Loveable.
And capable of being loving.

Go long...and then, go home.

I've been mentally fantasizing about running 15 miles for months now. Months. I'd go out for a 6...4...10... mile run, and while I was running said amount, I would picture myself rounding Santa Ana, almost at 15 miles. Chariouts of Fire music playing, running fast. It just seemed like such a, sexy(?), distance.

Since the half marathon in May, my longest runs have been 10 or 11 miles tops. And I think there might have been like 3 of them. I've done a million double days, which brings my mileage to 10 or whatever, but running twice and running long are 2 very different animals. What happened is this: I got faster. I've always been into making myself run for at least 6 miles or an hour or whatever. All of a sudden when I started running less at one time, my speed increased. I'd run a fast 5 miles in the morning and then, I'd run a (still) fast 4 miles in the evening. This eventually lead to me running seven plus miles faster. But again, 7 miles is not all that LONG. 7 miles isn't even an hour anymore.

So yeah, I just decided that I was going to run 15 miles this morning. The end.

4:55- alarm goes off.
5:15- I start my stopwatch and shuffle down start running down Gearhart.

2:12:56 later, I am standing in front of the house.
"Holy shit. Did I just run 15 miles?"

There is something to be said about running while your brain is still in a coma....

It doesn't seem that big of a deal now. In fact, as I was running the last 5 miles, and then as I parked my ass in Micah's cold kiddie pool, I found myself already fantasizing about 20 miles. Damn, Sarah. You are never satisfied, giiiirl!


Random Running Long Stuff:

*Take lesser-than-a-serving amount of a preworkout.

*Stay in control of your pace. If it feels a little "la-dee-da", it's the right pace. It's nice to still finish with negative splits on a 15 mile run. #strongfinish

*Running far does not make you feel skinny. It actually kind of makes you feel bloated afterward. Run long for the RIGHT reasons.

*Eat well the night before. I inhaled a homemade "Inn n out" burger, pita chips & Greek yogurt dip, tortilla chips & cheese dip...and light Dryer's ice cream. It actually had nothing to do with my running plan. I just felt like being a pig enjoying life. :)

*Put your ipod on shuffle and then forget about what's playing. I allowed myself to hit "skip" TWICE. For perspective, I usually skip shit like it's my job. Even stuff I like. "Why the fuck did I just skip THAT?" Monotony makes my skip finger antsy.

*Be white trash smart and sit in your kid's pool an ice bath.

*Just plan on eating small amounts of food every 2 hours to avoid the point where you are RAVENOUS and want to eat EVERYTHING processed and sodium laden IN THE PANTRY AND FRIDGE. Being "rungry" is no bueno. Eating 2000 calories in one sitting because you did not plan your meals properly is also no bueno. Don't binge.


Favorite Songs Today:

*We Own It -  2 Chainz ft. Wiz Khalifa
*What's My Name? -  Rihanna ft. Drake
*Poison -  Nicole Schwerzinger
*My Last Breath - Evanescence
*Slow Down -  Selena Gomez
*NYC -  Kevin Rudolf
*California Love -  Tupac ft. Dr. Dre
*Soul Survivor-  Akon ft. Young Jeezy
*E.T. -  Katy Perry ft. Kanye West
*Comin In Hot -  Hollywood Undead

I am crazy...and plan on doing kenpo later. We'll see...  :D

I want it that way.

I'm a big fan of starting things on Monday Mondays. Sundays are hit and miss days. Sometimes, Scott's off. Sometimes he has his crappy 10-6:30 shift. On Sunday, I usually feel like I have to pick up the slack for the rest of the week. And there is usually quite a lot of "slack". Sundays, I do double runs. Because I want to, but usually also because a run earlier in the week wasn't as long as I'd planned.

I feel like on Monday I get to decide exactly how I want my week to look. And even though I turn around and spend my week not doing things I said would or doing them on the wrong day, this is a beautiful thing. I feel peace and control on Monday. Control. I love being in control. Monday is a fresh slate, so to speak. Some weeks I actually do follow my "plan" pretty faithfully. I think this is going to be one of those weeks. I feel somewhat centered (as opposed to my normal inner chaos). Plus, I want it. I want this to be an amzing week where I follow through and prove to myself that I have the discipline to do the work to get where I want to be.

Running is just one example, but it's one that means a lot right now. Simply put, I'm running well. Really, really well. It's completely accidental and bewildering, but hell, I'll go with it. My body is resonding well to my workouts and I love seeing even subtle changes. My abs are tight. My thighs are thinning out again. My upper body is strong. Weight loss and strength training have definitely helped, but I've also spent the last 8 months since the Half Relay tinkering with my form etc. I was striking primarily with the front of my foot, which was fucking up my stride. I've evened out to a mostly neutral strike, working on bringing my knees up more, shortening my stride. Also, I try to be aware of my core and "push" through my hips. Again, my body is repsonding. I've only felt the bursitis I get in my right hamstring/glute the week prior to the Half in May. I also haven't been sore. At. All. I'm running pretty consistantly in the low 8s and upper 7s and feeling comfortable there. I have a love/hate with that. Love that I'm faster. Hate that it means I need to push my speedwork. No more running 7:15 mile repeats and 3:30 800s. Gotta push the pace. Ugh. I don't like being uncomfortable. (Really, Sarah?) Whatever. I'm realizing with the proper workouts and less nonchalance I can be a strong compeitor in races. Shit's about to get real.


I'm very invested in breaking this "keep getting 2nd place in my races" streak. Especially when it's by FOUR fucking seconds.

I'm appreciating not training for any races right now. It means I get to do what I want. I really do have a hard time with training plans. I know that they are designed by people who know more than I do, but I still have the "STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO!!!" reaction. Eh. Grow up, Sarah. Anyways, I like being able to decide whether I want to go long, short, cross train, strength train, not do yoga...

So...

GOALS. That's right. Shocker. I made GOALS for the summer or what's left of it.

*Keep mileage at 40 miles (give or take).
         This has not been much of an issue. Any weeks I didn't hit 40, I chose not to and was fine with it.

*Run 15 miles.
          I don't know what it is about 15 miles. I just need to go out and run it (w/o a half marathon being involved). I think I am an increments of 5 person. Just like I am a "Monday person".

*Run a sub-21 min 5k.
          I consistently run 5k in 23 min now without really trying or "racing" it. Time to push.

I have another one that I can't remember. Because I am a mom and therefore, have mom brain. Bleh.
Cheers to being hella sore! :)

If you're crazy and you know it...

I still remember the day Brian fake diagnosed me as "manic depressive" and "bipolar".
We were at Woodward Park, in the middle of the afternoon in SUMMER, for WHAT reason only God knows.
My response? Throwing my sandal at him - hard. (A big deal, considering, I loved my Reefs and proceeded to storm off about 1/4 mile without even giving the shoe a farewell glance.)
"You're calling ME crazy? While YOU are a part-time pushover and part-time verbally abusive? Bitch, please!"


But now, 6 years later, I can't help but think there might be some truth to what I thought was complete bullshit. I mean, c'mon, my mom had just died after battling cancer for 4 years. Wasn't I allowed to be a trainwreck, all over the emotional map?
I still do this. Still play the "if only game". "If only___ I could be happy."

If only my kid would fucking listen to me so I wouldn't have to resort to screaming "STOP!" in his little 3 year old face...

If only my husband would act differently, and have a little more patience with our son...(I'm not knocking the not-plugged-in-controller-thing. It actually works pretty well, IF your kid will sit still.)

If only I could keep the house clean...

If only it wasn't so Goddamn HOT outside and I didn't sweat like an offensive lineman...

If only I had a "real person" job, a job that didn't let me wear track shorts I got when I was 19 and sing songs from WordWorld...

If only my creative muse was alive and well, and I could write and process out all the morbidity...

But you know what? At the end of the day, it's ME. It's my problem, or more like I am the problem. My happiness seems to have a shelf life of about 2 hours tops. What the fuck is wrong with me? I cannot seem to stay happy. I want to. I can't. I try coping in the different ways...


I exercise. A LOT.

I RUN. even more A LOT.

I sometimes stress eat. That shit does. not. work.

I sometimes restrict myself. That makes me shaky and cranky. Shaky, cranky Sarah = shitty Sarah. Just saying. I'm better with a side of calories in my stomach.

I drink a lot of caffeine...and take the edge off at the end of the day with booze. Let's face it, no matter how badly I don't want to drink, muscle memory tells me a bottle of vodka is an awesome icepack. #numbftw

I don't think I'm "crazy", per se. I do think maybe there is some chemical imbalance or something inside of me that causes me to become an inexplicable headcase with zero notice. And then, it goes away with even less notice. Voila, I'm "fine". Obnoxious. I wonder if I'd stuck out therapy back in '07 long enough to get the good stuff, I'd notice a difference. I know from using other people's medication experience that Xanax takes away panic attacks. However, everyone and their Grandmother (craziness IS biological, right?) is on it, so I'm not sure what that proves...

I didn't really write all that because I thought it was going to provide some epic breakthrough. I did need to spend the time being introspective (these days I have the attention span of ONE Law & Order SVU. I know. I've measured a million times.) I also needed to laugh at myself. Mission accomplished. But then again, self-deprication has never really been an issue for me.

It is an interesting thought though. How much of happiness is circumstance? How much is brain wiring? And how much is good, old fashioned, "I'm just going to choose happiness, damn it!"?


Pursuit of Happiness- Kid Cudi ft. MGMT

I'm on the pursuit of happiness

And I know

Everything that shine ain't always gonna be gold

I'll be fine once I get it

Yeah, I'll be good



I don't read labels unless there are calories involved.

One of my favorite things on the planet right now is Oxyelite Pro.

One of my other favorite things is Celsius.

Celsius was introduced to me in little Crystal light on the go type packets, and yes, it said it could burn "100 calories per hour", but that's not why I got into it. I liked the supposedly orange spicy ginger flavor and I noticed all the vitamins it packed. Apparently, I missed something enormous.

Backtrack.

When you take Oxy, you are NOT supposed to consume caffeine in other forms. I don't like rules, so it's taken me 5 weeks to be like: I think I'll have peach detox tea this morning.

Newsflash.

Those Celsius packets? Ooooh, Honey, that shit has has 200 mg per packet. (Comparison: That beats a Monster energy drink.)

Let's get real.

*cough* I drank 3.5 packets today....alongside my 2 (upper dosage) Oxyelite.
So yes, 700 mg of caffeine.

Might explain why I couldn't get enough water today? Might explain why I was dry heaving after my run tonight, and why my body felt just up and down and wrecked for hours after.

Hopefully, it doesn't explain my first mile, which was 7:26 and felt like cake. (Cake that makes you run fast, NOT cake that cauces anger and cellulite...) I made myself back off, and I'm glad I did. Not lookin for any heart attacks at 26.

Anyways, now that it's almost 2 am, I think I've mostly come down from my orange flavored cocaine. 

Tomorrow is going to consist of me drinking A LOT of water.

The Good. The Bad. And a few things that just "are".

Today, I needed a "reboot".

Badly.

Recently, I'm learning to listen to my body brain that never shuts up, and learning to crack down on things while they're still "mole hills". When I let things get to "mountain" status, I'm usually also in mental breakdown status and too far gone to get my shit together. I actually, kind of stoically thought about all this stuff on Monday, durning my 10 miler. But today, the reboot is actually happening.

I didn't want to run to run my 7 miles this morning (see reasons below). I did them anyway, because I don't like wimping out. I also like to make myself do penance... The miles felt sloppy. Off. I felt fat and disgusting. Every glimpse in a window: "Who is linebacker trying not to topple over with every stride?!" Or right. It's you, fatass. Yes, I am mean to myself. Whatever. I was shocked, however, to look down at almost 10k and realize I was at 50 minutes. Not bad for sloppy and fat. I finished strong, and as I walked home pondered how amazing the human body is and how fucked up the human mind is. I keep being given glimpses of what I'm capable of achieving if I just suck it up, do the work, and stop tearing myself down.

Hence, the "reboot".


THE BAD:

*Limit the liquor:

Don't listen to what those Olympic marathoners say. Jose, Jack, and The Captain are not your best running buddies. (Oh wait, they don't say that? My bad...) Kara Goucher isn't where she is because she can toss back a handle of Grey Goose. Ever run mile repeats the day after shooting drowning your brain Fireball? I have. It sucks. So do longs runs at 5 am when you spend the first 4 miles trying to figure out if you're still drunk. Yup. You are. I don't regret the Pinot...Sailor Jerry etc. this week. Just like I don't regret sitting out on the patio last night, drinking SoCo, listening to Pitbull, while in earnest conversation with my husband. There is a time and place. 3 weeks out from the Half, while trying to figure some personal stuff out, seems like neither the time or place. So, buh-bye buzz. At least for a few weeks.

*Chainsmoking

Don't worry, you read that right. Sometime in the last 2 weeks, I picked up the nasty surprising habit of chainsmoking half to a full pack of menthols every night. Uh, what made "my lungs are important to me" snotty, self-righteous runner Sarah do this? Basically, stress, booze, and "I don't give a fuck." I'm actually pretty good at it too (other than when I tried to smoke the wrong end last night....). Damn my need to own at everything. Trying new things is good. Trying dumb things is dumb. The End.

*Crazy Eating

By crazy eating I just mean I feel a little too up and down. One day I'm making sure I'm getting all my protein, fueling at the proper times, eating clean....The next, I'm eating animal style In 'N Out fries. How my body continues to lose weight with all this madness is beyond me. I think I just don't like the feeling of eating out too often, even if I do choose the veggie burger at Burger King and the Healthmex burrito from Rubios. I like control. Ingredients. Portions. Sodium. I rarely eat anything salty, so my poor body is wasted when I eat out.


THE GOOD:

*Vitamins

Today marks 33 consecutive days of me taking multivitamins. The packets I was taking for 30 of those days each contained TEN pills. TEN. Do you know how badass this makes me feel? I basically spent 2 hours each morning swallowing pills. :-P  I've also been taking Oxyelite Pro 2x day (that shit works!), 2 Coenzyme/b- complex pills. (They are "natural chocolate mint" and I could probably sit and eat the entire bottle...if I wasn't trying to work on moderation - and not OD-ing on supplements....), making sure I eat proper ratios and I use amino acids mixed in my water pre/post hard workouts. For a girl who could barely could remember ONE prenatal vitamin, this is a massive deal.

*Juicing:

I'm back to juicing at least once a day. Maybe it's the placebo effect, or maybe juice makes you a super hero...I don't know. I just like how energized I feel when I spend the time doing it. Easiest way EVER to eat apple/orange/lemon/ginger/kale/lettuce/celery/carrots/cucumber/beets. Yeah. I'm pretty sure it makes you a super hero. I've noticed too that if I juice and drink it alongside 2 sunnyside up eggs w/ avocado, I'm sufficiently fueled for at least a 7 mile run. Oatmeal w/ protein powder and flax gets old. Just saying...

*Training

Training is actually going well. I hit my key runs (with some day juggling), strength training, and have been better with the yoga.

After Monday's 10 miler:
 Me: I'm glad all I have is yoga later. It's going to hurt like a motherfucker.
 Scott: Or it might feel good.
 Me: Or I might get stuck in downward dog....

I didn't get stuck. It did hurt like hell (I hate you, Twisted Half Moon pose!). And Scott commented that it "looked too easy". Well, Sir, I can't help it if I am that good.... ;-)

After tomorrow's 11 miler, I'll be at 36 miles for the week, which is the most I've run in a LONG TIME. And considering I cross train too, I'm pretty proud of my work.

There are always things to be proud of. Just like there are always things that need to be tweaked (or "rebooted" if you are me). The important part is being able to drop some of the self-deprecation and just be honest with yourself. Not to sound all cross-fit(ty), but it's just you against you.

And I'm pretty sure I want to be the best me I can be.

:)

Hello, there are 2 of me.

Sometimes I wonder why I have to be so damn bipolar about everything in life. Litterally everything. Case in point. I borrowed a juicer from my best friend's brother, and tomorrow I am starting a 3 day all juice cleanse. I decided on "tomorrow" because 1. I am out of pretty much all produce (and that's kind of how a juice cleanse works...) and 2. I had already eaten a substantial non-juice breakfast when I decided juicing sounded like a good idea. The point of it is to "jolt my body" into feeling good and craving good fuel. Or that's what one of the websites stated. I actually believe it, and my body could use some good "jolting".


However, the bipolor stepped in quickly around lunch time. Sure, I'm not juicing yet, but I could begin preparing my body by picking clean food choices. Do I do this? Of course not. Realizing that I will probably be irritable and hungry for the upcoming 3 days, and also realizing that the loaf of homemade bread on top of the fridge is my best yet, I make a tuna sandwich. An entire tuna sandwich. Not those silly "thinwich" deals, or a "one slice of bread" sandwich. No. A WHOLE damn sandwich. And to make it worse, the only can of tuna was tuna in oil. Because I am two years old and apparently can't read the labels when I go grocery shopping. Oh yeah, and then I ate it in front of the TV while watcing the pilot of HawthoRNe. I'm over it and done berating myself for failing at healthy living. But it makes me wonder, why do I swing so violently back and forth? Kind of like when you pick the carton of nonfat frozen yogurt (especially when it's that triple chocolate brownie one), but then eat the entire carton with your husband while watching 24. My guilty conscience is working overtime...that may or may not have happened to me many times, once with full fat egg nog ice cream.


I'm going to run later. No really, I am. I had planned a circuit and eliptical for now. Bubbs even obliged by napping for once. I don't want to do it. And I don't want myself to tell myself to do it either. The idea of burpees and minutes of frog jumps and walking push ups makes me want to throw up. I need Bob Harper in my life. But see, I did it again. I plan on doing something healthy later, and decide I don't want to do something else that's healthy now.


There's a Hoosier song that says "The trick to life is not to get too attached to it". Maybe. I would argue at the moment that the trick to life is being intentional. Intentional about my body, my mind, my relationships.

Easy to say. I have so much to learn...

Caffeine FTW.

Nature abhors a vacumn.

Ain't that the truth?

Despite the fact I started getting sick yesterday, and felt like death early, early this morning, I still managed to consume two 18-oz mugs of coffee. I'm not sure why. I pride myself on the fact that I honestly cannot even feel the caffeine working, which means I can just decide to stop drinking coffee one day and feel no headaches or crankiness. So, again, I have no idea why I pounded the coffee like my life depended upon it. Or maybe I do. The warmth and "routine" are comforting (even if the fact that it happened at 10:15 is not routine), and the 3 T. of sugarfree vanilla coffeemate (I also drank a huge mug of Morrocan Mint Green Tea at 6:00) made me feel like I got some sort of "treat". It's 45 fucking calories, Sarah. Go with it. It's almost humorous though, watching myself grasp for something, anything, to obssess or overdue because I've stopped doing it in another area of my life. I have a warped sense of humor.


So just now, my dumb runner butt had a massive crisis. I thought I lost my wallet. As is typical for me, there was an old uncashed check, Christmas cash, and like a gazillion unused gift cards. Wow. I am stupid. The best part is, I totally remember removing my wallet from the Save Mart bag yesterday morning (always store your wallet in with your groceries. It's the smart thing to do, duh.) but that's where the memory ends. Too bad caffeine doesn't help with memory. It just gives you extra energy to freak out. And freak out I did. I gave Samuel L. Jackson a run for his money in the "how many swear words can i fit into a minute?" Mother... I found it. Um, right where my dumb runner butt left it. ;-)  Aww, now I want to listen to Cobra Starship.

Cobra Starship for the win! :)

Organix is for (cool) kids.

I don't like to spend money. Not deep down at my core. I like the idea of it more than I like it. Like Augie from Role Models when Paul Rudd asks if he likes Coca Cola.

"I like the idea of it more than I actually like it."

I will go into Rite Aid with the intention of buying Olay or Aveeno body wash (because I know it's probably worth the extra couple bucks), and then, I walk out with Suave or St. Ives. There's always a lot of agony involved. Thanks, Mom, I apparently inherited your frugality in at least beauty products. So much for cleanliness being next to godliness... Something happens though when I give up something huge. Whether it's wine, hard alcohol, carbohydrates, or sleep. I. Want. To. Spend. Money. Granted, it's on stuff I need and was planning on buying anyways. Scott's lucky I'm not his ex-wife the "I'm entitled to a $100 hair cut and a shopping spree at Macy's" girl. The last time I had one of these "moments" was last week. In Rite Aid, of course, because I have that little thingy that hangs from your key chain that means you are married to them for all your pharmacy/toiletry needs are one of the cool kids. I needed conditioner. The Dove stuff I had been rationing out for what felt like centuries was finally forcing me to open it up and scrape the insides with my finger. (One of my favorite things to do with an almost empty nut butter jar. NOT so much a favorite when I'm trying to take a quick shower. You take quick showers when you are a mom. I think it's in a contract somewhere.) The little brother recently came home with the Renewing Morrocan Argan Oil Organix shampoo, and I had been itching to try them. I am in love with the brand without even ever receiving a free sample. I fall in love easily with products that have about 20 scents- and claim to be "nourishing", "revitalizing", "renewing". Smelling things is my favorite. Don't judge me. That's how you avoid drinking bad milk... He nonchalantly mentioned it was $10. Are you kidding? And that's just half the equation. At that point do you pinterest how to make conditioner that costs zero bucks? My hair is red at the moment, and  I was planning on buying the John Frieda Radiant Red conditioner. They were out. Convenient much? I've been buying Garnier Fructis and Herbal Essence for awhile and let's be real. They don't fulfill the needs of colored hair. And I've been noticing the red needs more hydration then say, when I do black. To my delight, I noticed that some of the scents of Organix were (only? It seems so wrong to say that.) $6.99. That's a sale right? If the bro spent $10, I mean c'mon, that's $3 off. Oh the lengths I will go to make myself believe I am right. Well, it took about ten minutes to choose which one I wanted. Originally I read that the Teatree Mint one is great for dyed hair, but the one bottle was dirty. I have standards. So, it was a sniff test between Coconut Milk, Vanilla Silk, and Acai Berry Avocado. Coconut Milk won out.

I used it the first time this morning. Oh my goodness. So freaking worth the $7. Unfortunately, it's going to take another five years and a billion dollars to try ALL of them. ;-)

LSD makes me eat oatmeal.

No, I am not dabbling. Don't worry.

Most people have their curiosity drug and their drug they should never try. I've always been slightly obsessed with Heroin. I know, I know. Needles are badass. Heroin is badass. I'm sure watching Gia didn't help. I want to be Angelina Jolie when I grow up. The end.

I should never drop acid. Mostly because I have a vivid imagination, am prone to terrible nightmares, and have a very dark place I can wind up even under the influence of champagne. I accidentally smoked laced weed once. I was renting a room in a condo with a parole officer of all people. He thought I was an angel and didn't do drugs (well, minus tequila). That night I locked myself in my room and watched my laundry basket hover in the air while having a conversation with my most recent ex-boyfriend. The morning couldn't come fast enough. It was frightening.

These days, running is my drug of choice and necessity. Today was Long Slow Distance. At the moment, this is my favorite run because I haven't exactly been running consistantly the last 2 months. Making myself run for 70 minutes or whatever is crazy mental. It's not that I get tired physically. It's more like my brain suddenly, out of nowhere, goes, "Huh. We've been doing this for awhile. Let's stop." That's when I have to repsond, "No can do, sweetheart. You're paying for all your stupid. This will be fun again." Long runs will also be two hours again. Just not right now. Baby steps. It was freezing this morning, but beautiful. I was dressed in about 3 layers, which made me look like a turquoise fleece polar bear. Not my favorite look, but that's the beauty of a 5:15 am run. NOBODY FREAKING CARES BECAUSE EVERYONE IS ASLEEP. :)

Running doesn't make me super hungry. It just makes me crave different breakfast than I normally eat. A typical day involves an ommlette that ends up resembling a salad wrapped in yellow, covered in chopped avocado and like 2 cups of Valentina hot sauce. Today, I had oatmeal with 2/3 cup frozen blueberries mixed in, chopped raw almonds and 1/2 cup nonfat Greek yogurt with splenda and vanilla extract mixed in. So good. It probably helps I used like 1/3 cup almonds. Whatever. I am capable of eating half a jar of chunky peanut butter in one sitting so 1/3 cup almonds is an improvement on portion control.

I feel so much better today. It's only day 2, but I don't feel so toxic and disgusting. My head is clearer too. What the hell am I going to feel like in a month? I honestly don't even remember what a month sober feels like. I don't remember what a week sober feels like...but I'm looking forward to finding out. I'm not being unrealistic, thinking this will be cake (not rum cake, obviously). It'll be difficult at times, but I do know this. I don't crave alcohol for alcohol, the taste etc. I crave a solution to stress, boredom, and lonliness. I can work with that. I took a walk last night before dinner and it was actually refreshing. I don't normally "walk". I wasn't working super hard, but I got blood flowing and the endorphins made me feel terrific. Sounds like a killer solution for cravings. :)   #nightwalknotnightcap

"Fictions and F*cking Addictions"

She said, "I know it's easy to have me.

But I have seen some things that I cannot even tell to my family pictures,

And I'm full of fictions and fucking addictions."

"And I miss my mother."

(Red, Okkervil River)

Sorting out oneself is not fun. It's exhausting and bewildering trying to figure out what's true and what's fiction. And the fictions go both ways. I tell myself that I'm a fucking fatass, which is a feeling not a fact. It's also an exaggeration. I also tell myself that going 2 days without drinking proves that I can definitely handle alcohol and it will suddenly cease ruining my life. Did I mention I am our of my fucking mind delusional? Yes, I lie to myself. No, I'm not proud of it. I am actually looking forward to the freedom of airing my crap on here. I spent a year feeling utterly ashamed of myself, but never putting it out there so the shame could turn into success and pride in "fixing" things. I'm done hiding. So done. I'm ready to embrace the truth - about myself, my life, my marriage, my parenting failures.

Speaking of the addiction part of fiction. I have a really hard time with the phrase: "I am an alcoholic." By definition, I am. The amount of alcohol I can consume in one sitting, for a 5'4" woman, is appaling at best. Frightening is a better description. Add to that, I think I was sober twice a week the entirety of 2012. Yep. Awful. This is where I want to start to badmouthing and self hatred.

"You are a LOUSY mom. What kind of mom drinks that much?!"

"No wonder you gained weight. And haven't lost it...."

"You're pathetic and incapable of changing."

That is the fiction speaking. Here are the facts:

Yes, I have allowed myself to be weak. But I have also had moments of strength, which proves I am capable of changing.

Yes, alcohol has calories and yes, I have definitely overindulged while under the influence. Do I hate my thighs? Yes. Can I change this? Yes.

I'm not a lousy mom. I am a tired, sometimes stressed out mom, who needs to find other coping mechanisms.

Those are the facts. The facts don't have to involve Sarah bashing. Though. it's hard sometimes to resist doing things you're excellent at, and I am GOOD at hating myself.

So... what exactly is the game plan? For starters, STAY SOBER. I put a date on it as my Babe's birthday (3.16), but I know deep down this a problem and needs a permanent solution. Do I really want to reintroduce the problem in 10 weeks? Not so much. I feel like crap at the moment and would really like to remember how good it feels to not have a poluted body.

I'm excited. And scared.

If you're tired of starting over, stop giving up.

No more quitting.