Doesn't play well with others...

I've always thought of myself as outgoing.
Extroverted.
Talkative.
Confrontational.

And then I hear myself make statements like: "And THAT (insert item of irritation) is why I DON'T like people."

Whoa. Huh?
Which makes me think...

I have always hated group projects. With a passion. I don't like working out in groups. I've never run with the same person more than 10 times (minus my x-country team) - basically, "no, I do not want you to be my running buddy." I like cooking alone. I'm not Santa. I don't need a helper. I prefer tag-teaming chores than sharing the same project. And when I want something to change, I typically do it on my own.

Basically, I'm that bitch who thinks her way is best and is cynical enough to not trust people's ability to follow through on their intentions.

Ha. Yeaahh, I am definitely a people person.

I'm painting myself worse than I am. I am friendly and sensitive. I do enjoy social situations, and even though I'm sarcastic I like to think I have a decent sense of humor. What it really comes down to is I don't like my successes and failures to be the result of someone else's lack of sincerity. If I'm going to suck at life, I want it to be because I make bad decisions. If I fail to meet a goal, I want it to be because I lacked the discipline etc. I don't like giving other people the power to drag me down.

This thinking doesn't mesh well with marriage. When you're married, life in general is a "group project". I need to work on this. On the "us". It's so much easier just to work on "Sarah". To make my agenda the most important thing. I have so much to learn about this being someone's wife thing. I guess that's a first step...realizing I suck.

Today, I am tired.
Just. Plain. Exhausted.
Life is hectic at the moment. Things aren't working out. I feel discouraged and this overwhelming cloud of discontent is constantly hanging over me. I know it will pass. Things will work out. Somehow, they always do. But right now, in this moment, I am just so tired.

Today, I have no words to express aloud what I feel on the inside.
Today, yelling seems to be the most effective form of communicating with my son.
Today, I miss running as a coping mech. I miss feeling all the negative fall from me like sweat. The hypnotizing sound my footfall.

Today, I will go through the motions.
Today, I will do the right thing. I will be loving even when I feel empty. I will be patient even when I lack the energy. I will trust that somehow, things will begin to get better.

All shall be well,

And all shall be well,

And all manner of thing shall be well.

(Julian of Norwich)