"Fictions and F*cking Addictions"

She said, "I know it's easy to have me.

But I have seen some things that I cannot even tell to my family pictures,

And I'm full of fictions and fucking addictions."

"And I miss my mother."

(Red, Okkervil River)

Sorting out oneself is not fun. It's exhausting and bewildering trying to figure out what's true and what's fiction. And the fictions go both ways. I tell myself that I'm a fucking fatass, which is a feeling not a fact. It's also an exaggeration. I also tell myself that going 2 days without drinking proves that I can definitely handle alcohol and it will suddenly cease ruining my life. Did I mention I am our of my fucking mind delusional? Yes, I lie to myself. No, I'm not proud of it. I am actually looking forward to the freedom of airing my crap on here. I spent a year feeling utterly ashamed of myself, but never putting it out there so the shame could turn into success and pride in "fixing" things. I'm done hiding. So done. I'm ready to embrace the truth - about myself, my life, my marriage, my parenting failures.

Speaking of the addiction part of fiction. I have a really hard time with the phrase: "I am an alcoholic." By definition, I am. The amount of alcohol I can consume in one sitting, for a 5'4" woman, is appaling at best. Frightening is a better description. Add to that, I think I was sober twice a week the entirety of 2012. Yep. Awful. This is where I want to start to badmouthing and self hatred.

"You are a LOUSY mom. What kind of mom drinks that much?!"

"No wonder you gained weight. And haven't lost it...."

"You're pathetic and incapable of changing."

That is the fiction speaking. Here are the facts:

Yes, I have allowed myself to be weak. But I have also had moments of strength, which proves I am capable of changing.

Yes, alcohol has calories and yes, I have definitely overindulged while under the influence. Do I hate my thighs? Yes. Can I change this? Yes.

I'm not a lousy mom. I am a tired, sometimes stressed out mom, who needs to find other coping mechanisms.

Those are the facts. The facts don't have to involve Sarah bashing. Though. it's hard sometimes to resist doing things you're excellent at, and I am GOOD at hating myself.

So... what exactly is the game plan? For starters, STAY SOBER. I put a date on it as my Babe's birthday (3.16), but I know deep down this a problem and needs a permanent solution. Do I really want to reintroduce the problem in 10 weeks? Not so much. I feel like crap at the moment and would really like to remember how good it feels to not have a poluted body.

I'm excited. And scared.

If you're tired of starting over, stop giving up.

No more quitting.