Go long...and then, go home.

I've been mentally fantasizing about running 15 miles for months now. Months. I'd go out for a 6...4...10... mile run, and while I was running said amount, I would picture myself rounding Santa Ana, almost at 15 miles. Chariouts of Fire music playing, running fast. It just seemed like such a, sexy(?), distance.

Since the half marathon in May, my longest runs have been 10 or 11 miles tops. And I think there might have been like 3 of them. I've done a million double days, which brings my mileage to 10 or whatever, but running twice and running long are 2 very different animals. What happened is this: I got faster. I've always been into making myself run for at least 6 miles or an hour or whatever. All of a sudden when I started running less at one time, my speed increased. I'd run a fast 5 miles in the morning and then, I'd run a (still) fast 4 miles in the evening. This eventually lead to me running seven plus miles faster. But again, 7 miles is not all that LONG. 7 miles isn't even an hour anymore.

So yeah, I just decided that I was going to run 15 miles this morning. The end.

4:55- alarm goes off.
5:15- I start my stopwatch and shuffle down start running down Gearhart.

2:12:56 later, I am standing in front of the house.
"Holy shit. Did I just run 15 miles?"

There is something to be said about running while your brain is still in a coma....

It doesn't seem that big of a deal now. In fact, as I was running the last 5 miles, and then as I parked my ass in Micah's cold kiddie pool, I found myself already fantasizing about 20 miles. Damn, Sarah. You are never satisfied, giiiirl!


Random Running Long Stuff:

*Take lesser-than-a-serving amount of a preworkout.

*Stay in control of your pace. If it feels a little "la-dee-da", it's the right pace. It's nice to still finish with negative splits on a 15 mile run. #strongfinish

*Running far does not make you feel skinny. It actually kind of makes you feel bloated afterward. Run long for the RIGHT reasons.

*Eat well the night before. I inhaled a homemade "Inn n out" burger, pita chips & Greek yogurt dip, tortilla chips & cheese dip...and light Dryer's ice cream. It actually had nothing to do with my running plan. I just felt like being a pig enjoying life. :)

*Put your ipod on shuffle and then forget about what's playing. I allowed myself to hit "skip" TWICE. For perspective, I usually skip shit like it's my job. Even stuff I like. "Why the fuck did I just skip THAT?" Monotony makes my skip finger antsy.

*Be white trash smart and sit in your kid's pool an ice bath.

*Just plan on eating small amounts of food every 2 hours to avoid the point where you are RAVENOUS and want to eat EVERYTHING processed and sodium laden IN THE PANTRY AND FRIDGE. Being "rungry" is no bueno. Eating 2000 calories in one sitting because you did not plan your meals properly is also no bueno. Don't binge.


Favorite Songs Today:

*We Own It -  2 Chainz ft. Wiz Khalifa
*What's My Name? -  Rihanna ft. Drake
*Poison -  Nicole Schwerzinger
*My Last Breath - Evanescence
*Slow Down -  Selena Gomez
*NYC -  Kevin Rudolf
*California Love -  Tupac ft. Dr. Dre
*Soul Survivor-  Akon ft. Young Jeezy
*E.T. -  Katy Perry ft. Kanye West
*Comin In Hot -  Hollywood Undead

I am crazy...and plan on doing kenpo later. We'll see...  :D

I want it that way.

I'm a big fan of starting things on Monday Mondays. Sundays are hit and miss days. Sometimes, Scott's off. Sometimes he has his crappy 10-6:30 shift. On Sunday, I usually feel like I have to pick up the slack for the rest of the week. And there is usually quite a lot of "slack". Sundays, I do double runs. Because I want to, but usually also because a run earlier in the week wasn't as long as I'd planned.

I feel like on Monday I get to decide exactly how I want my week to look. And even though I turn around and spend my week not doing things I said would or doing them on the wrong day, this is a beautiful thing. I feel peace and control on Monday. Control. I love being in control. Monday is a fresh slate, so to speak. Some weeks I actually do follow my "plan" pretty faithfully. I think this is going to be one of those weeks. I feel somewhat centered (as opposed to my normal inner chaos). Plus, I want it. I want this to be an amzing week where I follow through and prove to myself that I have the discipline to do the work to get where I want to be.

Running is just one example, but it's one that means a lot right now. Simply put, I'm running well. Really, really well. It's completely accidental and bewildering, but hell, I'll go with it. My body is resonding well to my workouts and I love seeing even subtle changes. My abs are tight. My thighs are thinning out again. My upper body is strong. Weight loss and strength training have definitely helped, but I've also spent the last 8 months since the Half Relay tinkering with my form etc. I was striking primarily with the front of my foot, which was fucking up my stride. I've evened out to a mostly neutral strike, working on bringing my knees up more, shortening my stride. Also, I try to be aware of my core and "push" through my hips. Again, my body is repsonding. I've only felt the bursitis I get in my right hamstring/glute the week prior to the Half in May. I also haven't been sore. At. All. I'm running pretty consistantly in the low 8s and upper 7s and feeling comfortable there. I have a love/hate with that. Love that I'm faster. Hate that it means I need to push my speedwork. No more running 7:15 mile repeats and 3:30 800s. Gotta push the pace. Ugh. I don't like being uncomfortable. (Really, Sarah?) Whatever. I'm realizing with the proper workouts and less nonchalance I can be a strong compeitor in races. Shit's about to get real.


I'm very invested in breaking this "keep getting 2nd place in my races" streak. Especially when it's by FOUR fucking seconds.

I'm appreciating not training for any races right now. It means I get to do what I want. I really do have a hard time with training plans. I know that they are designed by people who know more than I do, but I still have the "STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO!!!" reaction. Eh. Grow up, Sarah. Anyways, I like being able to decide whether I want to go long, short, cross train, strength train, not do yoga...

So...

GOALS. That's right. Shocker. I made GOALS for the summer or what's left of it.

*Keep mileage at 40 miles (give or take).
         This has not been much of an issue. Any weeks I didn't hit 40, I chose not to and was fine with it.

*Run 15 miles.
          I don't know what it is about 15 miles. I just need to go out and run it (w/o a half marathon being involved). I think I am an increments of 5 person. Just like I am a "Monday person".

*Run a sub-21 min 5k.
          I consistently run 5k in 23 min now without really trying or "racing" it. Time to push.

I have another one that I can't remember. Because I am a mom and therefore, have mom brain. Bleh.
Cheers to being hella sore! :)

If you're crazy and you know it...

I still remember the day Brian fake diagnosed me as "manic depressive" and "bipolar".
We were at Woodward Park, in the middle of the afternoon in SUMMER, for WHAT reason only God knows.
My response? Throwing my sandal at him - hard. (A big deal, considering, I loved my Reefs and proceeded to storm off about 1/4 mile without even giving the shoe a farewell glance.)
"You're calling ME crazy? While YOU are a part-time pushover and part-time verbally abusive? Bitch, please!"


But now, 6 years later, I can't help but think there might be some truth to what I thought was complete bullshit. I mean, c'mon, my mom had just died after battling cancer for 4 years. Wasn't I allowed to be a trainwreck, all over the emotional map?
I still do this. Still play the "if only game". "If only___ I could be happy."

If only my kid would fucking listen to me so I wouldn't have to resort to screaming "STOP!" in his little 3 year old face...

If only my husband would act differently, and have a little more patience with our son...(I'm not knocking the not-plugged-in-controller-thing. It actually works pretty well, IF your kid will sit still.)

If only I could keep the house clean...

If only it wasn't so Goddamn HOT outside and I didn't sweat like an offensive lineman...

If only I had a "real person" job, a job that didn't let me wear track shorts I got when I was 19 and sing songs from WordWorld...

If only my creative muse was alive and well, and I could write and process out all the morbidity...

But you know what? At the end of the day, it's ME. It's my problem, or more like I am the problem. My happiness seems to have a shelf life of about 2 hours tops. What the fuck is wrong with me? I cannot seem to stay happy. I want to. I can't. I try coping in the different ways...


I exercise. A LOT.

I RUN. even more A LOT.

I sometimes stress eat. That shit does. not. work.

I sometimes restrict myself. That makes me shaky and cranky. Shaky, cranky Sarah = shitty Sarah. Just saying. I'm better with a side of calories in my stomach.

I drink a lot of caffeine...and take the edge off at the end of the day with booze. Let's face it, no matter how badly I don't want to drink, muscle memory tells me a bottle of vodka is an awesome icepack. #numbftw

I don't think I'm "crazy", per se. I do think maybe there is some chemical imbalance or something inside of me that causes me to become an inexplicable headcase with zero notice. And then, it goes away with even less notice. Voila, I'm "fine". Obnoxious. I wonder if I'd stuck out therapy back in '07 long enough to get the good stuff, I'd notice a difference. I know from using other people's medication experience that Xanax takes away panic attacks. However, everyone and their Grandmother (craziness IS biological, right?) is on it, so I'm not sure what that proves...

I didn't really write all that because I thought it was going to provide some epic breakthrough. I did need to spend the time being introspective (these days I have the attention span of ONE Law & Order SVU. I know. I've measured a million times.) I also needed to laugh at myself. Mission accomplished. But then again, self-deprication has never really been an issue for me.

It is an interesting thought though. How much of happiness is circumstance? How much is brain wiring? And how much is good, old fashioned, "I'm just going to choose happiness, damn it!"?


Pursuit of Happiness- Kid Cudi ft. MGMT

I'm on the pursuit of happiness

And I know

Everything that shine ain't always gonna be gold

I'll be fine once I get it

Yeah, I'll be good



I don't read labels unless there are calories involved.

One of my favorite things on the planet right now is Oxyelite Pro.

One of my other favorite things is Celsius.

Celsius was introduced to me in little Crystal light on the go type packets, and yes, it said it could burn "100 calories per hour", but that's not why I got into it. I liked the supposedly orange spicy ginger flavor and I noticed all the vitamins it packed. Apparently, I missed something enormous.

Backtrack.

When you take Oxy, you are NOT supposed to consume caffeine in other forms. I don't like rules, so it's taken me 5 weeks to be like: I think I'll have peach detox tea this morning.

Newsflash.

Those Celsius packets? Ooooh, Honey, that shit has has 200 mg per packet. (Comparison: That beats a Monster energy drink.)

Let's get real.

*cough* I drank 3.5 packets today....alongside my 2 (upper dosage) Oxyelite.
So yes, 700 mg of caffeine.

Might explain why I couldn't get enough water today? Might explain why I was dry heaving after my run tonight, and why my body felt just up and down and wrecked for hours after.

Hopefully, it doesn't explain my first mile, which was 7:26 and felt like cake. (Cake that makes you run fast, NOT cake that cauces anger and cellulite...) I made myself back off, and I'm glad I did. Not lookin for any heart attacks at 26.

Anyways, now that it's almost 2 am, I think I've mostly come down from my orange flavored cocaine. 

Tomorrow is going to consist of me drinking A LOT of water.

The Good. The Bad. And a few things that just "are".

Today, I needed a "reboot".

Badly.

Recently, I'm learning to listen to my body brain that never shuts up, and learning to crack down on things while they're still "mole hills". When I let things get to "mountain" status, I'm usually also in mental breakdown status and too far gone to get my shit together. I actually, kind of stoically thought about all this stuff on Monday, durning my 10 miler. But today, the reboot is actually happening.

I didn't want to run to run my 7 miles this morning (see reasons below). I did them anyway, because I don't like wimping out. I also like to make myself do penance... The miles felt sloppy. Off. I felt fat and disgusting. Every glimpse in a window: "Who is linebacker trying not to topple over with every stride?!" Or right. It's you, fatass. Yes, I am mean to myself. Whatever. I was shocked, however, to look down at almost 10k and realize I was at 50 minutes. Not bad for sloppy and fat. I finished strong, and as I walked home pondered how amazing the human body is and how fucked up the human mind is. I keep being given glimpses of what I'm capable of achieving if I just suck it up, do the work, and stop tearing myself down.

Hence, the "reboot".


THE BAD:

*Limit the liquor:

Don't listen to what those Olympic marathoners say. Jose, Jack, and The Captain are not your best running buddies. (Oh wait, they don't say that? My bad...) Kara Goucher isn't where she is because she can toss back a handle of Grey Goose. Ever run mile repeats the day after shooting drowning your brain Fireball? I have. It sucks. So do longs runs at 5 am when you spend the first 4 miles trying to figure out if you're still drunk. Yup. You are. I don't regret the Pinot...Sailor Jerry etc. this week. Just like I don't regret sitting out on the patio last night, drinking SoCo, listening to Pitbull, while in earnest conversation with my husband. There is a time and place. 3 weeks out from the Half, while trying to figure some personal stuff out, seems like neither the time or place. So, buh-bye buzz. At least for a few weeks.

*Chainsmoking

Don't worry, you read that right. Sometime in the last 2 weeks, I picked up the nasty surprising habit of chainsmoking half to a full pack of menthols every night. Uh, what made "my lungs are important to me" snotty, self-righteous runner Sarah do this? Basically, stress, booze, and "I don't give a fuck." I'm actually pretty good at it too (other than when I tried to smoke the wrong end last night....). Damn my need to own at everything. Trying new things is good. Trying dumb things is dumb. The End.

*Crazy Eating

By crazy eating I just mean I feel a little too up and down. One day I'm making sure I'm getting all my protein, fueling at the proper times, eating clean....The next, I'm eating animal style In 'N Out fries. How my body continues to lose weight with all this madness is beyond me. I think I just don't like the feeling of eating out too often, even if I do choose the veggie burger at Burger King and the Healthmex burrito from Rubios. I like control. Ingredients. Portions. Sodium. I rarely eat anything salty, so my poor body is wasted when I eat out.


THE GOOD:

*Vitamins

Today marks 33 consecutive days of me taking multivitamins. The packets I was taking for 30 of those days each contained TEN pills. TEN. Do you know how badass this makes me feel? I basically spent 2 hours each morning swallowing pills. :-P  I've also been taking Oxyelite Pro 2x day (that shit works!), 2 Coenzyme/b- complex pills. (They are "natural chocolate mint" and I could probably sit and eat the entire bottle...if I wasn't trying to work on moderation - and not OD-ing on supplements....), making sure I eat proper ratios and I use amino acids mixed in my water pre/post hard workouts. For a girl who could barely could remember ONE prenatal vitamin, this is a massive deal.

*Juicing:

I'm back to juicing at least once a day. Maybe it's the placebo effect, or maybe juice makes you a super hero...I don't know. I just like how energized I feel when I spend the time doing it. Easiest way EVER to eat apple/orange/lemon/ginger/kale/lettuce/celery/carrots/cucumber/beets. Yeah. I'm pretty sure it makes you a super hero. I've noticed too that if I juice and drink it alongside 2 sunnyside up eggs w/ avocado, I'm sufficiently fueled for at least a 7 mile run. Oatmeal w/ protein powder and flax gets old. Just saying...

*Training

Training is actually going well. I hit my key runs (with some day juggling), strength training, and have been better with the yoga.

After Monday's 10 miler:
 Me: I'm glad all I have is yoga later. It's going to hurt like a motherfucker.
 Scott: Or it might feel good.
 Me: Or I might get stuck in downward dog....

I didn't get stuck. It did hurt like hell (I hate you, Twisted Half Moon pose!). And Scott commented that it "looked too easy". Well, Sir, I can't help it if I am that good.... ;-)

After tomorrow's 11 miler, I'll be at 36 miles for the week, which is the most I've run in a LONG TIME. And considering I cross train too, I'm pretty proud of my work.

There are always things to be proud of. Just like there are always things that need to be tweaked (or "rebooted" if you are me). The important part is being able to drop some of the self-deprecation and just be honest with yourself. Not to sound all cross-fit(ty), but it's just you against you.

And I'm pretty sure I want to be the best me I can be.

:)

Hello, there are 2 of me.

Sometimes I wonder why I have to be so damn bipolar about everything in life. Litterally everything. Case in point. I borrowed a juicer from my best friend's brother, and tomorrow I am starting a 3 day all juice cleanse. I decided on "tomorrow" because 1. I am out of pretty much all produce (and that's kind of how a juice cleanse works...) and 2. I had already eaten a substantial non-juice breakfast when I decided juicing sounded like a good idea. The point of it is to "jolt my body" into feeling good and craving good fuel. Or that's what one of the websites stated. I actually believe it, and my body could use some good "jolting".


However, the bipolor stepped in quickly around lunch time. Sure, I'm not juicing yet, but I could begin preparing my body by picking clean food choices. Do I do this? Of course not. Realizing that I will probably be irritable and hungry for the upcoming 3 days, and also realizing that the loaf of homemade bread on top of the fridge is my best yet, I make a tuna sandwich. An entire tuna sandwich. Not those silly "thinwich" deals, or a "one slice of bread" sandwich. No. A WHOLE damn sandwich. And to make it worse, the only can of tuna was tuna in oil. Because I am two years old and apparently can't read the labels when I go grocery shopping. Oh yeah, and then I ate it in front of the TV while watcing the pilot of HawthoRNe. I'm over it and done berating myself for failing at healthy living. But it makes me wonder, why do I swing so violently back and forth? Kind of like when you pick the carton of nonfat frozen yogurt (especially when it's that triple chocolate brownie one), but then eat the entire carton with your husband while watching 24. My guilty conscience is working overtime...that may or may not have happened to me many times, once with full fat egg nog ice cream.


I'm going to run later. No really, I am. I had planned a circuit and eliptical for now. Bubbs even obliged by napping for once. I don't want to do it. And I don't want myself to tell myself to do it either. The idea of burpees and minutes of frog jumps and walking push ups makes me want to throw up. I need Bob Harper in my life. But see, I did it again. I plan on doing something healthy later, and decide I don't want to do something else that's healthy now.


There's a Hoosier song that says "The trick to life is not to get too attached to it". Maybe. I would argue at the moment that the trick to life is being intentional. Intentional about my body, my mind, my relationships.

Easy to say. I have so much to learn...

Caffeine FTW.

Nature abhors a vacumn.

Ain't that the truth?

Despite the fact I started getting sick yesterday, and felt like death early, early this morning, I still managed to consume two 18-oz mugs of coffee. I'm not sure why. I pride myself on the fact that I honestly cannot even feel the caffeine working, which means I can just decide to stop drinking coffee one day and feel no headaches or crankiness. So, again, I have no idea why I pounded the coffee like my life depended upon it. Or maybe I do. The warmth and "routine" are comforting (even if the fact that it happened at 10:15 is not routine), and the 3 T. of sugarfree vanilla coffeemate (I also drank a huge mug of Morrocan Mint Green Tea at 6:00) made me feel like I got some sort of "treat". It's 45 fucking calories, Sarah. Go with it. It's almost humorous though, watching myself grasp for something, anything, to obssess or overdue because I've stopped doing it in another area of my life. I have a warped sense of humor.


So just now, my dumb runner butt had a massive crisis. I thought I lost my wallet. As is typical for me, there was an old uncashed check, Christmas cash, and like a gazillion unused gift cards. Wow. I am stupid. The best part is, I totally remember removing my wallet from the Save Mart bag yesterday morning (always store your wallet in with your groceries. It's the smart thing to do, duh.) but that's where the memory ends. Too bad caffeine doesn't help with memory. It just gives you extra energy to freak out. And freak out I did. I gave Samuel L. Jackson a run for his money in the "how many swear words can i fit into a minute?" Mother... I found it. Um, right where my dumb runner butt left it. ;-)  Aww, now I want to listen to Cobra Starship.

Cobra Starship for the win! :)